I've been reading this book called Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman (don't you like the name Ayelet? I want that name.). It's a humorous look at how "bad" we all feel with our mommy guilt, and it points out that mothers are held to these unrealistic expectations of perfection while men are considered "good" fathers if they just show up. And men are practically nominated for sainthood if they change diapers once in a while.
True, true, and true.
I don't know about all of you, but I've felt like a Bad Mother from when Julia was like, oh, a minute old. I feel guilty about a zillion things, mothering included. Catholic guilt, anyone?
Let's recap the biggest bad mothering sins that I can recall:
- Bad Mother for having an elective C-section, despite doctor threatening that Julia had an 85% of brain damage if I tried it naturally. He thought she'd be 10 pounds (ended up only 8 pounds).
- Screaming, oh the screaming. I knew babies cried, but inconsolable shrieking for hours was new to me. After a day, I was tired of it. After a week, I wanted to jump off a bridge. I know, something was bugging her, and she couldn't help it. Not being able to console the shrieking made me feel horrible. Bad mother.
- Breastfeeding didn't work out. According to lactation, I was starving her. So I pumped and pumped and pumped, and I got 16 oz maximum a day with 9 pumps. They said I was still starving her. Bad Mother for starving her. Change to formula, and I'm a Bad Mother for formula feeding. Can't win.
- At her 6 week check-up, I tell the pediatrician she's extremely fussy and does not eat well. I'm told, "All babies are fussy" and that she's gaining weight. I'm a Bad Mother for not being able to see that she's normal. My problem is that I'm a Bad Mother who doesn't appreciate this miracle.
- I wanted to go back to work soon after having her because I couldn't handle the non-stop screaming. As difficult as work can be, there's no one screaming in my ear for 10 hours straight at work. Bad Mother, I didn't enjoy being a stay-at-home mother.
- Once she's not screaming for 10 hours a day (at 5 months old), she starts getting below the 10th percentile for weight. Then I start getting chastised by the pediatrician about her weight and not feeding her enough. I'm a Bad Mother for not feeding her more, despite already bringing up the fact to him that I've observed she won't eat much.
At that point, changed pediatricians. Couldn't stand that man.
- Lots of doctor visits with specialists then ensue. They ask how long these issues have been going on. I say since she was born. They look at me like why did you wait this long, then? Well, I was told by my stupid pediatrician that I was imagining things. Bad Mother, you need to trust your instincts.
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I have a whole buttload of mothering transgressions and guilt. Probably more than my fair share. The author and I shared many of the same frustrations that you always feel like you could have and should have done more. No matter what you do, it's wrong. You can't live up to the impossible expectations of perfection that the fictional June Cleaver has set up for us.
Good read overall. I couldn't stomach the chapter on Rocketship though. I don't think I could have done that.
4 comments:
First of all...you are a wonderful mother! You are as dedicated as a mother can possibly be. We cannot solve all the problems our kids have. But that doesn't make us bad parents. What makes us good parents is that we TRY our best to do what is best for our kids. That's just my humble opinion...
And second...what is the rocketship chapter??? Inquiring minds want to know...
Oh, I know we ALL do the best we can. I don't think anyone goes into this parenthood thing with the intention of screwing up their child(ren).
The Rocketship chapter was about her third child. She went into an amniocentisis at 20 weeks and found out the baby they nicknamed Rocketship had a third chromosome. It wasn't Down Syndrome. It was something that might amount to some delays or he could be completely normal. She chose to abort him. Heartbreaking because he could have been completely normal, and even if he had some delays, they were a family with the financial and emotional resources to deal with it.
you're an awesome mother who loves your little girl so much that you would spend 6+ hours a day bouncing her on a yoga ball, just to soothe her and stay sane enough to continue caring for her.
i think i would skip the rocketship chapter too.
I don't think I could read a book by an author I have no respect for and someone who would abort a child that would only possibly be mildly delayed loses my respect. (I'm actually against abortion, but I can sympathize with those who choose it when their baby has a severe medical problem that will lead to pain and early death.) This case though, sounds purely selfish. If you can't handle a child with difficulties, don't get pregnant. As many have discovered, all children bring their own problems. No child is perfect. People who expect perfection, shouldn't even get pregnant. With all the resources available today, there is NO excuse for getting pregnant if you don't want to be.
I'll step off my soapbox now and respond to your concerns, Beth. Remember June Cleaver was a stay-at-home mom with six children in school all day and a full time maid. Plus, she was fictional.(=
Just do you best. We all are human and make mistakes. No one is perfect. Do you best, love your child, and forgive yourself.
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