Tuesday, April 29, 2014

End of April

I'm here.

It's been awhile, I know. I have stuff to say even. I feel that I walk a fine line here with my identity, and so often I want to word vomit, but then I realize how easily I can be found out if I do.

I really like to word vomit; hence, why I like to blog.

Let's work up to the more interesting stuff. This month was an okay month health/exercise-wise. I had gained 2 pounds in March, and I lost those 2 pounds in April. My BMI is acceptable. I've bought skinny work pants. I'm in my smaller jeans. I'd like to get into the little denim shorts I wore in 8th grade--they don't quite button,  but, let's not be greedy when I can fit into the stuff I wore in 9th grade. (Just to be clear, I was never svelte, even in 8th grade.)

I'm not particularly religious. I was raised Catholic, but I would say that I was never really into it. I was the kid who was forced to go to mass every week and who was forced to go to religious education one day a week for a few hours. I was resigned to the fact that I had to go, but for the most part I'd tune out both mass and religious education and instead think about other things. I'm not a huge fan of organized religion, disagree with some of the church's stances, but yet I believe in God and a supreme being. When I see the religious fanatics on Facebook who post Bible quotes and attribute God to all the bad/good things in their lives, I simultaneously roll my eyes and envy the faith they have in religion. I wish my faith was that powerful.

I will be back. Yes, I know I keep saying that. This blog is important to me. I love to go back and read what I wrote in moments in time, and if I don't write, then I don't have anything to memorialize the moments as they zip by...they seem to be going by faster as time goes on.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Turned a Corner

My daughter was an awful baby and early toddler. She didn't eat. She didn't sleep. From 5 months to 11 months, she stayed the same weight (which is atypical and makes doctors get very anxious). She didn't even double her weight by her first birthday. Most kids at least triple their weight.

What my daughter was great at was screaming. That shrill "someone is killing me" scream, akin to those in horror movies, for 20 hours per day. I didn't dare even take her for a walk in her stroller because anyone within a mile thought she was being tortured. And she slept for no more than 10-15 minutes at a time. A year and a half of a screaming, anorexic, constantly awake baby was more than either of us good take (even if she was related to us). Thank heavens nothing was seriously wrong her. But there was obviously something wrong with her to act like that for so long. The doctors could never figure it out. Their only advice was to get her to eat more, but when she screamed like you were killing her every time you tried to feed her, it was a losing proposition.

She is still a poor sleeper. The kid is almost 6 years old and gets 8 hours of sleep on a good night. She gave up naps completely at age 2. She gets up in the middle of the night. Of course, she sleeps longer than 10 minutes at a time now (and she no longer screams all day), so it is 1,000x improved from her first year.

Eating has been an ongoing struggle. By the age of 2.5, we gave up feeding therapy. Her first year was beyond awful. She'd eat about 6-8 ounces of formula or breast milk per day total (average is 26 oz for other babies). When we tried to get her to solid food, she refused any baby food. By my calculations, she ate about 250 calories per day. Babies are supposed to eat about 800-1000 calories per day. You can probably ascertain why she didn't gain any weight for 6 months and why we were panicky. If she had been a delightful baby but just had a weak appetite, it probably would have been easier to let it slide. But when she was the crankiest baby ever (wouldn't you if you were perpetually hungry but it hurt to eat?), it signaled that something was up.

Then she was given the "failure to thrive" diagnosis, which has got to be the worst thing you can tell a little baby. You're a failure, and you're not thriving.

We paid our dues early on this kid. Her first year and a half was an utter nightmare, but she has been such a great kid after she started eating and sleeping a bit more. I would have said two years ago that her eating is still really weak, but at least she's happy and doesn't seem to be in pain. Now I'd say her caloric intake is where it should be.

Yes, I still mentally count her calories. Back when she was born, I had to log every speck she drank for the doctor. Which meant I couldn't just breastfeed her. I had to pump and then measure it and give it to her, calculating intake by milliliters (or ounces, but let's not get too ambitious!). After all of that meticulous logging, I still do it, even though it's mentally. On days she crosses 1,000 calories, I do a little jig. By now she's probably supposed to be eating 1,300 calories per day or so (I don't really know, but I know as a 3 year old she was supposed to be eating 1,000 calories).

She's healthy. She's happy. It's been a long, long road to go. And one I never want to repeat. I felt such anguish for her and how I couldn't ever make her feel better. I'm glad she finally turned a corner. It's a long sigh of relief.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Add some discontent

I was a content baby and child. My mom will attest to it, and she's the first one to list a person's faults. Despite my (very) occasional outbursts, I think I'm a rather content adult. Even as a kid, I remember contemplating in my crib. I'd play with the busybox in my crib. I'd stare at things on the wall. I'd look out the window. I wouldn't howl to be let out of my crib, and my mom wasn't particularly a kid person, so I bet I spent lots of hours in my crib hanging out when other babies would be bored and itching to get out.

Now, as an adult, I'll bring up the Netflix analogy. There are many people I know that say there is NOTHING they want to watch on Netflix streaming. I just look at them weirdly because I can could probably spend 40 hours a week watching Netflix and never run out of things I would be willing to watch. Quirky documentaries, indie movies, cheesy horror and supernatural movies, stand-up comedy, old TV shows, cable series like The Walking Dead and Mad Men...History Channel and Discovery Channel shows, Strange Sex...only if I didn't have to work... I just don't get how someone can't find anything to watch on Netflix. Unless the person is focusing on all the stuff that ISN'T on there. But I just oooh and aaaah over the stuff that is available. Occasionally I search for something specific and am slightly bummed that it's not there, but even then it gives you suggestions of other stuff to watch.

Maybe discontent is a good thing. It makes you want something different or something more. We contented people of the world are complacent in the status quo. The discontented people are so uncomfortable that they do more things and take things to a new level.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

March in Review

It's April! April 2nd more precisely.

March was busy, frustrating, semi-successful, and tiring. I wasn't as focused on self-discipline as much as I should have been. I didn't gain weight; I didn't lose weight. Status quo. However, I did wear my Bodymedia every day, and I recorded my food. I could see that I was just treading water, but honestly I didn't care too much.

I got a promotion at work. Hence, busy, semi-successful and tiring. It was more emotionally draining than I had anticipated.

The in-laws have been in town. There was a family wedding. No one died--hence, semi-successful.

I read 8 books in March. Not too bad, all things considered.

April is a crapshoot. The in-laws are still in town for most of the month, but they're staying at the brother's house. However...you never know how things might change.

My tummy is feeling ugh. I've got to stop eating so much crap. I do eat whole foods (fruits, veggies), and then I eat a pile of candy. Then I wonder why I feel so crappy.