So much for property values

So the season starts where I dread getting a letter from the Homeowner's Association. It would go something like this:

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. G,

You bought your home for a reason. You could have picked a house anywhere else (and we wish you did). But, for whatever reason, you chose this neighborhood. We who live in this suburban development (that is very akin to the one in Stepford Wives) believe that rising property values are number one in importance (even over Botox). Since you chose this neighborhood, you must think property values are important as well. So for the love of PETE, will you please clean up your damn lawn? You're bringing down everyone's property values.

Sincerely,
Bill, your Stepford Wives Homeowners Association President"



And my reply back would go something like this:



"Dear Bill aka Captain of the Stepford Wives Project,

We hate yardwork. We're too cheap to hire gardeners, and we object to leaf blowers on moral grounds anyway. I personally am allergic to all things that are supposed to be green. Therefore, we have concluded after 10 summers in this house that the best path to take is to not water the lawn. The $10,000 estimate I received to install sprinklers made me want to convulse. Not watering impedes grass growth anyway. Unfortunately, weeds are peskier and do okay regardless if they are fed water. We do mow the weeds every few weeks, until early August, when even the weeds die.

Our method is organic. It doesn't deplete the environment needlessly. If you change the Homeowner's Association bylaws, we would happily astroturf the whole stinkin' yard. It would be green all year long, and you'd never see a weed. We would even make a few bucks by setting up a mini golf course in the backyard. You could even get a % of the proceeds. It's a win/win, President Bill.

Love ya, Prez.
Lot 46"