This BL 2009 challenge is stalling for me. I've kicked up the exercise notch for two weeks in a row, and nothing has been happening except for weight gain. So this week my new strategy is to really focus on my food intake. That means I stay within my points, which is really really hard for me. I have a huge appetite, and when I run out of points by 5pm, it's a long and cranky evening. Don't worry, I know I can steam some broccoli if I get really desperate. But steamed broccoli just doesn't do it for me. So my tummy is growling; I am hungry, and I'm blogging instead of raiding the pantry and refrigerator.
It was a really poor food day for Miss J. She has seemed to have made such strides lately, but this evening was one of the worst. It was a definite backslide. I'm not sure what is causing it. On Friday and Saturday we backed off on her Prevacid. One would have thought the backslide would have occurred then - not 3-4 days later. That's one thing S and I disagree about. I am honestly for avoiding medications, but something is bugging Miss J. The general consensus is that it's silent reflux that is causing her food aversions - eating hurts her, so she gives up on eating so she doesn't hurt as much - never mind the fact that she was starving herself for a while. Considering that my side of the family is full of reflux issues, it is likely the main issue. But after 2 good weeks, I think my darling husband naively thinks that she has grown out of her reflux (my cousing is 11 and still takes Prilosec). I think that we need to religiously give her the reflux meds until she's 1, and then we can re-evaluate then. Anyway, S won this weekend, and we backed off. Is that causing today's episode, or is it something totally different? That's what is so frustrating about having a baby who can't tell you what's wrong.
We spent 4 hours trying to feed her this evening. At first we did her dinner of a graham cracker, banana yogurt, and ricotta. A little container of yogurt is 140 calories, and since she had an abysmal food day, we knew we had to get that into her. So we give her about 1 ounce while she's screaming (she's eating slowly but interjecting screaming), give her a graham cracker which gives us a blessed 5 minutes without screaming, back to yogurt and screaming, then veggie puffs and quiet, back to yogurt and screaming, and then some ricotta. The ricotta had a little bit of screaming attached. You may think she hates the yogurt. She's loved the stuff for the past month, but her issue is more that she wants to feed herself. After the solid feeding was done, we try for the next four hours to feed her a bottle since she's only had 6 ounces all day. Complete repeated failure even though we knew she had to be hungry. Finally I got her to take a bottle after 8pm. "Bottle" is stretching it because it was 3 ounces. 3 ounces is actually a great feeding for her. Then I woke her up at midnight and fought with her, but she finally took another 3 ounces. So she's up to 12 whopping ounces of formula for the day. I just tried to wake her up and feed her again, but she wasn't having it.
Not knowing what her issue is breaks my heart. I feel like I've failed this little girl for the last 10 months. In some ways, she does seem happy. In other ways, it seems like she's really wound up tight (as in her personality). And in other ways, it seems like her tummy gives her so much grief.
People keep asking if we're going to have another. I just can't go through this again. Reflux (silent or non-silent) is so dominant in my family that I am convinced we will go through a similar (or worse) experience. I thank my lucky stars that nothing more severe is wrong with Miss J, but at the same time these feeding struggles haven't been a picnic. Going through them again with a baby while having a toddler who likely won't eat isn't something I look forward to.
But is Miss J losing out by not having a sibling? I don't know. I think most people have the romantic image that their children will be the best of friends. That could be the case, but I'm sure more often than not the siblings only see each other when forced to by Mother as they become adults. There are a lot of different dimensions to it, and I'm oversimplifying. But I would like to want another for more than the obvious reason of giving Miss J a playmate.
I guess I'll try to feed her one more time before I lay back down for a couple more hours sleep.
3 comments:
Hey Beth, try not to worry so much. I know that is difficult. I know, especially as a parent, it is so easy to blame yourself for every problem your child faces. In the end, you just do your best and God will provide. No one is perfect. No child is the same.
As for more kids...just trust your heart and God. You don't want to overwhelm yourself, but every child is different. It is amazing to see the kids interact and see how different they are. I know they probably wont be best friends in their adult lives, but for now they always have each other and they really help entertain each other as well. Not that there aren't squabbles, but it all works out in the end.
God bless and keep up the GREAT work you're doing! You're a wonderful mom to your little girl. No one could do a better job with her than you.
Thank you, Nicole! When Julia has a bad food day, I beat myself up about it - I think there's a possible solution I haven't explored and blame myself. I wish I could understand baby screaming and be able to decipher what she wants, or doesn't want, if that's the case.
Thanks though, makes me feel better!
This blog just breaks my heart. I can completely empathize with you. I know exactly what it feels like to want your child to Eeeeeeeeat...and they just won't for whatever reason. We have those days now when we are dealing with ear infections and they make me a basket case when he does not get in 4, 6-8 bottles a day. I can only imagine what you must go through :(
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make Miss J feel all better, all the time. You mustn't beat yourself up though. You have taken her to multiple doctors and have done everything in your power to help her. I am sure she will grow out of this phase soon and move on to yummy table foods that she loves to eat.
Until then, you do have someone out there who feels your pain.... :(
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