I finished the book Snow Flower and the Secret Fan last week, and I really liked it. It was about the special relationship between Lily and her laatong Snow Flower. A laatong in ancient China was a woman that you're matched with at a young age, and you have a special bond that supersedes everyone else, including husbands and family.
I don't have a laatong. I've always seemed to get along better with males than females. It's like I don't speak the same language as other females. I was never close to my mom, and I don't have any siblings - namely sisters. Girls seemed to always have more drama than boys. I really don't like to stereotype, but it did seem that I had to talk girls down from the proverbial ledge since first grade. I definitely have my dramatic moments - they're mostly fleeting, except for this Julia not-eating thing.
When I think back to my close friends in school, most were boys. There was always something appealing about playing basketball for the sake of playing basketball and not having to deal with any other 'stuff.' You know how girls spend a vast majority of time in their younger years talking about best friends, and who's friends with who, and who do we pretend doesn't exist when we're in they're presence. Blah blah blah. Heck, some adult women do the same things! Males were usually without the drama.
It's not that I don't have women friends, but I don't have a best friend apart from S. He's my best friend. Don't get me wrong, I love that. But it feels like I'm missing out in some way by not having that sort of connection with people of my own gender. Most women value their girlfriends almost as highly or as highly as their husband.
I don't even know how to go to the 'next level' with a girlfriend. Do you ask them to go on a spa day with you? Do you share a bottle of wine and tell your deepest, darkest secrets? I sincerely missed this chapter in Being a Girl 101. I didn't spend a whole lot of time with girls, and when I did there would be lots of emo rants that would freak me out, and I would go read a book. Reading was much easier to understand than the inner workings of a female mind.
Between the ages of 12-13 I was really good friends with a girl. But then puberty hit, and she was so excited about the prospect of dating boys and which boy was cutest. I didn't really care, and I was resisting growing up and getting older because it would irrevokably change things with boys. So the two of us grew apart gradually, and I ended up moving anyway. Within 2 years of that, I started college. And let's just say college boys are eager to be friends, and I soon became friends with more males. It's not that I dated many of them, but I got to know several. I was the girl that they'd take car shopping, I'd help them with their homework, I'd help them with their relationship problems, etc. And I think those are friend-like behaviors, but they were always with males vs. females.
And now that I'm married, it's just weird to be friends with males. I know I've got to widen my circle of girlfriends or at the very least 'bond' more with the great friends I have. I don't really 'know' them as much as I'd like. I WANT to! I want to have a friendship where we talk about more than the weather and superficial kid stuff. Although I do take comfort in the fact that I've done pretty darn awesome on the How Well Do You Know ______ facebook quizzes. But even if I do know my friends well, I guess I don't feel all that comfortable confessing a deep dark secret like I do with my husband. What do girls like to do? Stereotypically they like to go to the spa, shop, ummmm...drink coffee, drink wine, complain about their husbands.
But what if you're not a fan of any of the above activities? It's almost like I need to take a personal ad out for a girlfriend who's not too girly (because that just completely overwhelms me - spa + shopping in one day = Beth spazzed out) and not too dramatic. Or maybe I need to suggest an activity to one of my friends and see where it leads. See, LA, I told you I was the girl version of Sheldon. Didn't he do that in an episode this season? He was trying to be friends with someone and didn't know how to.
Doesn't it sound like dating almost? If I ask one of my girlfriends to play mini golf or something like that, isn't it just plain weird or why do I feel like I'm setting myself up for rejection? I guess the spa route is a little more socially acceptable than mini golf.
I'm a complete freak. I really hope Julia is better at female-female interactions than I.
7 comments:
It really is a crying shame that we don't live closer. I cannot shop with other people. It gets on my nerves to have to keep up with someone else in the store. And when I am done with that store, I am ready to move on to the next...but the other person is still looking and then I have to wander around until they are done. Gets on my nerves. A day at the spa sounds like pure torture to me. I can think of 1000 other things I'd rather be doing. I used to get my nails done and for 30 minutes I sat there and thought of what else I would rather be doing than getting my nails done. Pure torture.
Movies. Now that is probably the one thing I enjoyed doing with girlfriends. But when you think of it, I guess that's not a really sociable activity because you can't talk and bond during the movie. I used to go to the movies with my SIL when she lived down here. But she moved away. Now I'm too busy to go to the movies at all.
Narda is probably my closest girl friend. And we hardly ever do things outside of work. (No idea why we don't do more things...) So, like I said....it's a crying shame you and I don't live closer. We could go to the library and read books or something else nerdy like that together.
I <3 Sheldon.
I hope we do wander down to Georgia one day. S was almost transferred there for work to the Conyers plant. That's pretty close, huh? We were turned off by the weather though.
So I'm not the only one who is annoyed by the slooooooow shoppers. I feel so selfish saying that I am done in 10 minutes, and the other person or persons take at least an hour. I can handle another 20 minutes or so, but after that I keep thinking of the other things I need to do. And nowadays it's even worse because the mommy guilt intrudes ("I could be spending time with Julia instead of combing the aisles of Macys for the 12th time.").
Same thing with the spa. I just can't go to a strange place and relax with a book while someone works on my feet. I feel uncomfortable and it's a weird thing to have done by someone else.
So, yes, we could have nerdy dates together, LA! Or play Candy Land a zillion times when the kids get older. I'm so looking forward to her playing board games with us!
Movie + dinner = socially acceptable because you can talk over dinner.
I could totally get into playing Candy Land a zillion times!
You really are my evil nerdy twin separated at birth... :0)
Are you reading my mind again? I was driving home tonight, thinking about relationships and how awkward I am when the sister-in-laws want to go shopping or get their nails done. I'd rather get out Monopoly or play Wii. And if you are ever down this way, we can not shop together. Can I just paste and copy your blog for mine?
I thought it was very strange when someone said that their husband wasn't their best friend. Chet is the one person I can say anything to, and vice versa. He is definetly my best friend. I have two friends I am close to, but we still don't discuss deeply personal stuff. As for Spa days, the thought of someone touching me is not a good one. Though, I do like to shop. I like it best by myself, or with Chet, because he just goes with the flow. I love to play board games. My good friend and I play cards when we get together(well, before Sophie), and so do my mom and I. Anyway, in my opinion, your spouse should be your best friend.
TJ, I love it that I'm your psychic blog twin!
Ann, I agree. I don't get people who are not best friends with their spouses.
I'm not a shopping or salon person either. I'd prefer a great game night, spouses included. My husband and I love to spend time together.
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