Insecurities

I just finished reading Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See. It was a really good book. I feel like it's prompting several blog entries, but I can't wrap my mind around the issues enough to write them. I wish I was a good writer. I wish I had that relationship with words that I could convey exactly what I mean by using the precise words in the precise manner with little or no thinking. I'm more of a numbers person, and I struggle with words. I didn't even know the stereotype that women are better at English than math til I was in college. I was always quite the opposite. No, no, I don't have that correct either. See, I struggle with getting across what I mean. To clarify, I always was good at spelling and grammar. My reading comprehension sucks, and I could never analyze poems or literature for symbolism. I have the mechanics down - I struggle with the bigger issue of substance.

I am very insecure. I've got to work on that. How does one work on it though? Do you take a magic pill that makes you confident in yourself? How does that work? And, more importantly, how do you make sure your children are secure in themselves? I'm already screwed up enough. How can I make sure I don't pass down all of this other junk too?

People can tell you that you shouldn't be insecure. They'll tell you that you're smart, (sometimes) nice, blah blah blah. But if you don't believe it for yourself, then it will just be blah blah blah that you hear - in one ear and out the other.

It's interesting to see how people's insecurities manifest themselves. Some people are very insecure about their relationship, so they're kind of paranoid and stalk their spouse & check credit card receipts & check cell phones. (Although I must admit that most of the time those types of people have a reason to be concerned about their partner's whereabouts.) Some people berate other people to make themselves feel better - think junior high school taunting.

Most of my insecurities seem to revolve around self-doubt and compulsive worrying. I worry that I'm not doing the right things for Miss J. Am I unintentionally making her health issues worse by feeding her something that irritates her system? Am I being a complete nag if I call the doctor to ask him what do those results mean? Would she do better with a different mother? Did I offend someone by saying something too flippant? How can I blend into the wall so I'm not noticed? And so it goes...

It's almost 3am now. I've been up since 1am. Miss J woke up crying, and she has this wheezy/croup-y thing going. S ran the hot shower to try to loosen it up. He finally persuaded her to eat. She was sounding so hoarse that I thought cool liquids would help her throat. Plus, she was a bit behind in formula intake. She still sounds icky though. Then my mind wanders. We have been trying to get her onto a different formula to ease her toward the cow's milk transition. But hearing about this white blood cell thing causes me worry. Maybe it is a milk allergy & moving to a milk-based formula could be causing more of an allergic reaction, wheezing and respiratory issues. Or it could simply be an upper respiratory infection. I don't know what it is. All I know is that she sounds awful right now. She's 30 feet away in her crib, and I can hear her wheezing. S went back to sleep, but I'm awake and worrying - per usual.

I say this often, but I'll repeat it. I cannot have another child. My genes are incredibly faulty. I can only blame S for passing on her awful hair. All the rest - her GI issues, respiratory issues, weird food stuff - that's all me. I cannot put another child through that. Plus, I don't have enough mental energy to deal with two. I'll be a surrogate. I don't mind being pregnant. I can stand physical anguish. It's the mental anguish and worry and constant insecurities that I'm not doing the things I should. That part is far worse than any physical pain.

I'm still waiting for the Xanax fairy. I wish I could feel okay about taking mind-altering drugs. Feeling less anxiety would be very nice.

Now it's after 3am. I have got to try to go to sleep, or work will suck. But you know how you can't sleep if you have a lot on your mind? That's why I blog - to try to clear my head. The only thing is that this particular blog is clouding my mind more than clearing it.