My therapist is my blog. Would that mean my therapist is myself? Free therapy. Awesome!
I used to journal a lot. I filled several books of thoughts, and I was going to pass on the journals to my children when they turned 18. I never understood my mother, and I wished I knew something about her. I know the general facts, but almost nothing about her feelings and motivations. I know she fundamentally changed after her divorce from my dad, and since that happened when I was 2 years old, I was acquainted with her closed-off, distrustful self. I never met the woman who my father fell in love with or the woman her college friends trusted. My intention with the journal was for my children to know me - know the mistakes I made, know my joys, my disappointments & the path I took in life and why.
And I haven't journaled in a long while. I've blogged very consistently instead of journaling. Journaling would be very frustrating. It would consist of "Why won't you eat?" That gets repetitive. So I choose to blog, and when Julia asks why I didn't journal in her first year, I'll make something up.
I feel so much pressure lately. Not enough time, depressing news all around (local, national, global), too many things to do. Before Julia, I often felt guilted into doing many things because I had a lot of free time. Sure, I'll do this (stupid) committee. Sure, I'll make a blanket for you. Sure, I'll take a look at your bank account and figure out what happened to that money.
Now...I don't have as much guilt. Someone calls me up to ask me to volunteer on a committee. Nope, sorry. And I don't even feel guilty! The church calls earlier in the week to ask us to bring up the gifts at mass this Saturday (we just did it last month), and not only do I say no, I ask them to take us off the list. Again, I don't even feel guilty! I feel like my commitments are lightening - and I feel relief when I can cross them off my list.
I would like to let go of some of my other commitments as well. Why? Well, I just don't feel like they are a priority to me right now. I only have so much time, and I'm already away from Julia 40 hours a week, and I don't want to be gone more than that. But I can't bear to say that to the people involved because it sounds incredibly selfish. Everyone needs to spend time with loved ones and doesn't want to be pulled away for (stupid) commitments.
Okay, so some of my guilt is hanging around. I am Catholic after all, so it's only appropriate that I feel guilt at all times. I wish I could cut some strings, but at the same time I know I have to keep some connections.
I'm a recluse who intellectually knows she shouldn't be a recluse.
---------------
I've been doing crappy on my diet this week. Spending Monday in the hospital did that to me even though I know I shouldn't use that as an excuse. I throw all my point counting out the window and eat whatever I see when I get stressed and worried. And I get stressed and worried a lot. Disappointing myself by overeating gets me even more discouraged, and then it starts to spiral.
As much as I know I shouldn't eat processed food, it is so much easier to eat it for tracking purposes. S made a great lasagna on Sunday, but I have not a clue how many points a serving is. Of course there's been a ton of leftovers that I have eaten over the past 3 days.
Tomorrow I can start fresh. It will take a week or so to lose what I gained, but I can do it with perseverance. There's many lasagna and hot fudge sundae transgressions I need to do penance for.
6 comments:
My blog IS my journal. I have saved all my myspace blogs I did to a personal blog here on blogger and my intention is to print them out and put them in a binder for Waylon(or whoever) to read later in life. Nothing wrong with just blogging and forgetting the journal all together. You want to simplify...why keep up with 2 journals, one on paper and one online...just do ONE! And do it here, so we can read it! hehehehe
You get a hall pass on the diet this week for sure!! Start again fresh tomorrow...
I know what you mean about not doing as much. Unfortunately, my blogging is what has slipped for me lately :( I need to work on that...for posterity!
LA, it's going to be baaaaaaad. As in, I can't even button the pants I was wearing last week.
Yeah, I'm going to have to consider only having 1. It gets too hard with 2 journals/blogs!
I'm surprised your church calls to ask you to bring up the gifts. Is it a complicated thing at your church? Ours just asks a family that is sitting near them since it takes about ten seconds in the middle of mass. I've never been asked. I think the fact that I'm spouseless and juggling three kids tends to make them look elsewhere since they probably don't want the wine spilled on its way down the aisle.(=
It's not really a complicated thing, but they like it prearranged. I guess so they can announce the names of the people doing it. I'd prefer if they did it like your church.
I can see why you're not picked! It doesn't really make sense for us to do it either because Stephan carries Julia and a small thing, I carry the wine & the ushers carry everything else!
They announce you...how fancy! Yes, I prefer our way too. Though, there are some that are insulted that they aren't ever asked because they never sit near the gifts.
That's funny...I can just picture you three going down the aisle with the ushers. You must be just the picture perfect family. Awe.... (=
So NOT the perfect family with Julia lunging for the pews and blabbering, and the two of us trying not to spill anything. We're the comical entertainment.
Post a Comment