Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Square Peg in a Round Hole

Most of the time I feel like I never fit in. I'm not one of those girly girls who wants to go to the spa all the time. I'm not one of those girls who talks to her girlfriends on the phone for hours. Most of my hobbies I enjoy doing by myself. I amortize things for fun. The sports-minded girls wouldn't like me because I don't like to exercise. The thin girls wouldn't like me because I will eat all of their food. I'm cynical, roll my eyes at stupidity, and don't wish to have more children than bedrooms in my house. I want to ask my daycare provider why she doesn't want to jump off a bridge after looking after 7 toddlers every day. While I enjoy work, I don't aspire to be a grand poobah of anything - way too much stress.

Large groups of women frighten me. The vast number of topics that come up where I have completely opposite views or opinions makes me feel like I'm even more of a misfit than I already know I am. Two topics are almost certain to come up: 1) How to con your husband into having more kids and 2) What a dolt your husband is.

1) Having kids is a lifetime commitment, people. If one of the two partners doesn't want kids, respect the viewpoint. The potential for resentment isn't worth it.

2) My husband isn't a dolt. And a bigger newsflash is that if he was a dolt, then I wouldn't have married him. I really don't understand complaining about your husband in large groups of women. After all, YOU picked him, right? It really just reflects on your lack of good judgment when you complain about him. When I'm in these groups of women, I feel like I have to complain about something. I volunteer that he chews loudly (sooo annoying). As annoying as it is, it never seems to top anyone's list of husband dolt-like behaviors.


I never have understood most women's love for getting flowers. I think the first time S gave me flowers, I threw them at him. Maybe it was after a fight. I think he was apologizing through flowers. What a stupid butt thing for women to expect from men! From my perspective, getting flowers is the LAMEST apology in the world. Any idiot can call up a flower shop within 5 minutes and get flowers sent to an address. Oh, don't forget that "I'm sorry" in someone else's handwriting.

A real apology is a letter or a verbal apology. Don't send me flowers and think all is better, buddy. S learned that really quickly, and I happy to say that I very rarely get flowers. Thanks the heavens because they are such a waste of money. It's literally throwing money away. If you're going to spend $50, could you at least send me some chocolate or a share of a mutual fund? The flower thing applies for V-Day, my birthday, and our anniversary too. Lame-o gift.

The whole flower thing eludes me. I do notice that men send women flowers at work. Perhaps that is because some women like other women to notice that THEY are special because they got flowers? I'm not sure.

See, this is why I'm a freak of nature who feels out of place around her own gender. S never bursts into tears randomly, leaving me to figure out why and console him. He never tells me, "Guess what _____ did to me today?" I never have to reassure him that his butt looks good in piece of clothing.

Women, I don't think I'll ever understand them. Same thing goes for men, but I think I will get a heckuva lot closer to figuring them out.

----------- rocks my world.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

I think we might be twins separated at birth. Ditto everything you just said.

and peopleofwalmart?? LOVE IT!! Did you see the Polo car this morning. WTF?