Best Man or Bridesmaid

I adore the dear bride who I am going to be a bridesmaid for.  I think she’s smart, a great person, kind, and we are a lot alike in our circumstances (both only children with single mothers) and our personalities (quiet).  We clicked right away when we met on dorm move-in day, and if there’s a girl that I share the most in the way of commonalities, it would be her.  I am excited for her, and I’m glad she’s happy.  Writing this bridesmaid speech is difficult, though, because I’m far closer with the groom.  I know this is a very fine line. 

See, I dated the groom for a year.  We weren’t the best couple.  Actually we were fairly dysfunctional.  We were such great friends for the previous year that we thought we should try to be more.  But once we were more and it didn’t really work so well, it was hard to give that up because how do you successfully do it?  For the most part, when most people break up, there’s a big to-do and then both people never speak again.  I didn’t want to lose him as a friend because I adored him so much, but I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with him either.  As relationships go, it wasn’t a bad one.  We were reasonably happy, communicated okay, we just weren’t compatible on a long-term basis which made everyday life dysfunctional. 

He’s a really good guy.  He’s not a liar. He’s not a cheater. He’s not a compulsive drinker or gambler, doesn’t smoke. Reasonably attractive. Smart (in a non-stereotypical way). Generous. Kind.  Again, he’s a great guy… just not for me.  I think that was one of the hardest things about dating for me.  On the whole, I have okay taste in men and when a guy meets everything on my checklist and is decent, then I don't know how to say, "You're a great and wonderful guy, but you're not for me."  There's that unexplainable something that's missing, yet I can't quantify it in my mathematical way. I guess it’s like finding a house that meets all your various criteria, but something’s still holding you back from buying it.  It just doesn’t feel right for some reason that you can’t quite determine. Do you buy it anyway and stick to the facts that it meets all your criteria? Do you scrap it and start the househunting expedition again?

I do really think it is one of the hardest things to figure out in relationships.  In some ways, I prefer dating the buttheads of the world (and I only ever dated one true butthead).  At least you know that the person is a complete idiot, and it is really easy to say, "Look, we want different things." Sayonara, dude.  But when it's a really good person with a few quirks here and there, it's tougher to say that perhaps we aren't good together for the long-term.  You like the person, you respect the person, you're just wanting something that the person is missing in a hard to define way.  Or it's something that you think is so minor that you feel unduly picky about, and then you feel frustrated with yourself that you have made unrealistic criteria for this person you haven't yet met.

Let me just say that if ANYthing is holding you back in your relationship, then cut bait.  I know it may seem like a minor thing, and you may tell yourself that this person fits most of your main criteria so suck it up and make it work.  I've been there.  I know that inner dialogue.  However, listen to yourself.  If things aren't just near perfect, then don't settle for a "pretty good." Keep searching for an "excellent."   You owe it to yourself to make the best life possible for yourself. That being said, I do incredibly adore my ex-boyfriend.  It's just that he's not the one for me for the long-term.

As I’m thinking about this speech and trying to draft it in my head, I think about John and our friendship.  Our friendship was so deep.  In many ways, he was my first real lasting friendship.  I had several friends over the years, particularly guys, but they tended to circulate in and out of my life and I don’t keep in contact with any now other than him.  John has always stuck.  Even if we go a year or two without seeing each other (back when he was overseas), we always pick back up where we left off.  Every memory of him that I’ve been thinking of with him is when we were good friends, before we dated.  It’s not that dating ruined things, but it’s more that I was far more frustrated with him when we dated than when we were friends.  When looking back, my memories of dating him are clouded by that frustration that I didn’t have when we were just friends. 

We were really good friends in an indescribable way.  We always understood each other from the first time we met.  He was a tough cookie for others to crack, but he showed me (or maybe I forced him to show me) a soft spot of himself.  We both had a tough year the year we met, and we were there for each other in a way that was non-traditional but yet sentimental.  When either of us had a bad day, the other would pick out just the appropriate music when the other would come over.  We’d talk.  What I loved, loved, loved about John is he always knew how to be with me.  If I was having a problem, I typically ramble or talk about something unrelated to the problem that I’m having.  He’d just follow along, and maybe a few hours later, I’d start talking about the problem and he’d be right there with me.  He operated in a very similar way to me.  He’d do the ramble about something else thing, and eventually he’d mosey to the subject.  But it would take several hours or even days.  We are both private people, but after we are completely comfortable with someone, then we can be incredibly open after having been given some time to get there on our own. 

The summer before we dated was so incredible.  That summer was so nice with my light school load, afternoon naps with John just lying in his room (really, just napping) listening to The Cure, eating dinner together, trekking to town to do errands, and talking most evenings.  We were so incredibly close that summer in ways that can’t be explained.  I did date other guys that summer casually, but it’s those afternoons and evenings hanging out with John that I remember, walking around campus at night, talking about anything and everything, and having the person that most understood me at the time be my pal and ask for nothing in return other than friendship (at least at face value). 

That year of incredible friendship has resulted in deep memories and understanding that will never be swept away.  We both have wicked good memories, and he can remember exact dialogue that occurred in 1996 when we talked about his roommate’s bullet-laden car.  I remember The Cure’s Just Like Heaven playing on his awful tape player with his red light on as we took the 500 question purity test and me asking him what some of the terms on the test were because my bdsm knowledge at the time was nil.  Speaking of tests, I helped him pass the required grammar test for graduation.  Believe me, that was a ton of work to help him with (he was not anywhere close to an English major), and I remember being so proud of him when he finally passed. 

I think my husband understands John’s and my friendship.  I have an awesome friendship with my husband.  But it’s a different friendship than I have with John.  I’m not the best with analogies, but it was kind of like if John was my bunkmate during a war, we shared things in a way that no one else can truly understand, and we will forever have each others' backs. 

Of course, I probably can’t say any of this stuff in my speech.  On the other hand, John would probably be hurt (but not say anything to me) if I didn’t talk about him at all in my speech.  I walk a fine line being the ex-girlfriend, a friend to both of them, and the one who is there in support of the bride in particular.  If I talk about him, I’m afraid it will come across as though I’m talking about our time that we dated, at least to the bride (who fully knows that the two of us dated).  However, anything I would say about him would be from the year we were really close friends, not when we dated.  It’s just a really fine line. In trying to come up with a speech of some sort, I do think of John and how wonderful he is and the great times we had. 

The bride is relatively secure with herself and does understand that John and I are just good friends now.  I think she theoretically understands John and me, but probably not to the extent of my husband.  She and I are a lot alike, yet there are some dramatic differences between us.  John and I have a different dynamic than she and him, which is to be expected.  Because she’s so private, I’m not quite clear on how much she understands vs. how much she’s just pretending to understand for the sake of John and me. 

I get thrown off when she asked me about when I met John’s various family members in these past few weeks. Of course, I met them as his girlfriend at the time, and this was 15 years ago.  But she asks me which of them I met and what I thought of them.   I’m not clear about what angle she’s asking me these things. Is she merely comparing notes? Is she wondering if she got farther into the inner circle than I did? Does she want to talk about it? I just wonder if the questions are coming out of plain curiosity, insecurity, or there’s something going on that I need to gently prod her on.  In that respect, I’m sooooo clueless with her in particular.  With others, I can parse out that stuff.  With her, I’m kind of confused. 

I’ve had great times with her too, don’t get me wrong.  But our friendship hasn’t been anywhere like my friendship with John.  To my credit, I think the bride is more open with me than with anyone other than John.  She’s just a very private person.  For instance, when they broke up in 1996, I first asked her what had happened.  She said she didn’t want to talk about it.  I prod further, and I get a complete roadblock.  I immediately go up to see him, and we talk about it for weeks straight.  It was just a different openness and willingness to be vulnerable between John and me than the bride and me.  With everyone else, both John and I were very closed off.  However, with each other we both were incredibly great friends.  If I found out that John was in the hospital now, I would run immediately to his side.  If the bride was in the hospital, I’d call first and would make sure it would be okay if I dropped by.  I’d probably do that with most friends.  But with John, I intrinsically would know that he would want me there and not even think to ask. 

So I keep thinking about this speech project and really hope that I can write something endearing to honor them both without stepping on toes and overstepping boundaries.