Timing

Situational anxiety has always been a part of me. I worry that I'm letting people down, that I'm not good enough.  It's more that I think those things about specific situations rather than I feel it all the time.  In my heart, I know I try my best at most things, and I know that I do a good job most of the time. I have short moments of self-doubt that last a few minutes, a few hours, or at most a few days.  Underneath it there is a resoluteness. There’s a strength, a quiet confidence.  When I was a mid-teen, of course I wanted to be liked and accepted by people.  I did lots of stupid things I shouldn’t have. However, I drew clear boundaries with myself about things I would never do in order to get people to like me, and I was firm about those boundaries even when tested. My worries have changed over the years. Now, I have moments where I am anxious about whether my husband and I will become unemployed and not be able to pay the mortgage.  Underneath that, I know that we’ll figure things out – we both are educated and determined.  While there may be an outward shakiness I feel and might occasionally show the world, on the inside I’m actually quite strong and have been for most of my life. 

Then there was my first year away at college.  That year I got rattled beyond belief to the point where I was losing myself.  The first year away from home is unsettling for most people – exciting, scary, a new dimension of freedom.  I also learned some things that year that rattled me.  But what really affected me was an unhealthy relationship, and that let the other things that happened have more of an impact.  I let someone get to me in such a way that my inner strength started being chipped away and was replaced with a deep level of insecurity that was far more than situational.

Due to how things were in the relationship, I sought out friendships like I had never before and far more than even now.  I needed people around me at the time that valued me, even if all I did was listen to their problems.  I became far more outgoing that school year and was invited to do lots of things and was the one that everyone came to at 3am when they had problems. Guys asked me advice about girls while we played a game of pool.  For once in my life, I was the one that everyone knew. In all of those instances, I got a certain amount of validation that I was deprived of because so much was taken away by him during the unhealthy relationship.  I even confided in a handful of friends, which was a novelty in my life, because I tend to not be the type to confide much in others.  In retrospect it was an awesome time in my life due to all the acquaintances and friendships, and in others it was the lowest time.  

If I had to describe myself in one word that year it would be “frenetic.” I was constantly doing something, and I rarely slept.  Although I never took any drugs that could be construed as uppers, I felt like I was on speed for many months.  What I did in one day was about what I do now in a week.  I can go at the pace for a few days now, including no sleep, but by the third or fourth day I’m dragging.  And after a week I need to sleep massive amounts to get back to equilibrium.  Back then I’m not sure how I coped for so long running on fumes.  Maybe I thrived on the extensive network of friendships I built, or maybe it was just my coping mechanism for dealing with a bad situation. I dunno.

The point of this is that I’m glad I met my husband after that particular school year was over.  Had we met during my frenetic phase, I doubt he would have given me a second glance with my over-the-topness and how wild I was, and I probably would have been turned off by how proper he was.  I was in a bad place at the time being defeated more than I have ever been defeated.  Fortunately we met the summer after that horrible school year when a substantial amount of healing had already taken place.  That summer will always be special for its healing nature: listening to The Cure, afternoon naps after class, bumming around the smallish college town at the record (!!!) store, hanging out with a small group of friends, and learning to be my true self again. I had a very light course load, wasn't working, and of course had no real world responsibilities yet. It was the most serene summer at the time I needed serenity the most.