Sunday, April 10, 2011

Blast from the Past

Here's one of my e-mails to myself in the spring of 1996. Boy angst, gotta love boy angst. Names abbreviated when I retyped it; otherwise, it's the same.

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Dear Self,

JN and I broke up a few weeks ago. We said we’d be friends, but I don’t really know what means. I interpreted it to mean that we would keep our distance for a few months. If we see each other casually, we would say hi and stuff. Primarily we would focus on moving forward in separate directions. I haven’t contacted him. He’s been contacting me. First he dropped by my dorm to see some friends. He came by my room to say hi. Then he called me about something he didn’t really need to call me about. The third time he dropped by my room again and said that he was going to the mall and if I wanted to come along. I went. I suppose I haven’t been innocent in all this because I should have just been civil and not went with him.

Then spring break came. He approached me for the fourth time right before we left for break to say maybe we could do something over break. What? We broke up. Didn’t we have the conversation a few weeks ago where we decided to not see each other? Stupid me just thought those things but said yes to him. I guess I justified it by telling myself that it’s possible that friends see each other over spring break. So he calls me during break and we schedule that he’ll come pick me up on Friday night. Where are we going, I ask. He says it’s a surprise. Because friends go to surprise places all the time, I guess. He ended up driving from Redmond all the way to FW to pick me up (1 hour), then he drove me to Snoqualmie Falls (another hour), it was dark and cold there, stayed there for about an hour, he drives me back to FW (1 hour), and then he goes home (another hour). It seems like a lot of time to spend if we’re just friends.

I sit here confused. I like him. I like him a lot. Things between us just aren’t right though. I know he likes me. It’s a weird feeling - I also think he hates me. Maybe hate is too strong. How about dislikes strongly? Is that a little less I’m-going-to-stab-you-in-the-shower?

Like when he is doing his homework and gets frustrated. I go over to see if I can help because that’s what I'd try to do with anyone, I take a look at his book, help him at least a little, and he gets mad at me that I helped him. I’m not an engineering major like him. I’m just a stupid psychology major. He gets mad that a stupid psychology major can figure it out. I think he’s also mad that I’m far closer to getting a degree than he is even though I’m 3 years younger than him. He gets mad that I’m not clingy enough. I don’t call him. I guess what it boils down to is that he gets mad that I don’t need him, and he needs me more than I need him. He has a point. He has a car, and I don’t. That’s about all I need him for. That’s just how I am. I’ve always had to everything myself, and I can figure things out on my own. I was raised not to “need” anyone. It gets under his skin that I’m not like all the other girls he’s dated. 

There was the whole furniture saga. One time after we broke up he came over to my room and saw that I moved my furniture. He got mad. At first he thought I had another guy move the furniture. Not sure why he would care if another guy was over, right, since we were broken up.  But that's not even what happened. I moved it all by myself. I told him that. Then he got mad that I did it myself. He said I could hurt myself; that didn't make much sense because it's heavy but I can nudge it along the floor just fine.  It's a little slow to do it myself yet I CAN do it. When he got mad when I told him I did it, I asked him what I was supposed to do. He said I was supposed to call him.  That doesn't make sense either. Why was I supposed to call an ex to come move my furniture? JN is the type that he always has to have something in it for him. If we're not even dating, I can't see why he would even do it.  Even if we were still dating, I wouldn't ask him to come over and move my furniture. I guess that's why dating JN is so frustrating. If I had another guy move the furniture, he would go ballistic. If I did it myself, he would be mad. And if I did call him, which I wouldn't, then he would say, "What's in it for me?" Then I'd get mad at him and call him an ass, and then a fight would start. I guess he's looking for a girl who will say, “Oh, JN, I can’t figure out how to move my desk. Can you, big strapping man, come over and move it for me?” Adding some eyelash fluttering would be a great added touch. That’s not me. He wants me to be like that and gets mad that I'm not like all the girls that do that to him. Men!

All that aside, I do know that he likes me. There’s something he sees in me that he likes a lot. He can’t get past the other stuff. I can’t get past that I get frustrated and angry when he wants me to be someone I’m not. 
He’s not the only guy out there. I know that. In a few weeks DG is coming up. He has a meeting up here on Friday, and then he’s going to stay the weekend to hang out with me. I know he likes me. There’s ML, who seems like a great guy and sends me sweet little notes, far more frequently now that I told him JN and I broke up. He's been pretty clear that he likes me. Then there’s E in my demography class. We hang out every afternoon after class and have gone out on two semi-dates. See, JN isn’t the only guy around. Not that I “need” any guy. It’s not like I have to date anyone. I can just be single; that’s definitely an appealing, less stressful option. Well, maybe not less stressful because then juggling 3 guys when I’m not officially dating any of them can be more work than one I’m actually dating - although JN is awfully high maintenance for being one guy.  He's kind of high maintenance even after being broken up.

Even with the other guy possibilities, I still think about JN. I know things won’t work. We’ve tried and tried again. Fundamentally we are two very different people who, when it comes down to it, we dislike some aspects of each other (and maybe ourselves) very strongly. I wish he wasn’t so darn captivating. If he wasn’t so captivating, it would be far easier to let him go completely.

Love,
Self

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