Family history and trying not to repeat it

Three serious posts in a row???  How can that be?  Again, I'm trying to make a more concerted effort here to be more honest.  We'll see how this goes.
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My dad's side of the family was extremely evasive about ... ummm.... everything.  My dad's mother told me her name was Esmerelda whenever I asked her what it was (it was really Anna), and she always said she was 104 years old when I asked her age (she was in her late 60s/early 70s around this time).  This was before the Alzheimer's kicked in, so it's not like she honestly thought she was 104 with the name of Esmerelda.  My grandfather was the king of changing the subject and curmudgeonly; he always complained about everything (hmmm...who does that remind you of?).  I never had a serious conversation with my dad because I knew I'd never get anywhere since he was a compulsive liar.  Really, he would even lie about where he was when he was gone for a few hours, so I knew I was out of luck if I asked him about his past. So most of the factual information I have about my dad's side of the family is from my uncle, who was the most lucid of the bunch.  However, he doesn't have much info because he was kind of the black sheep of the family and had the same people as parents and a brother who lied to me as my grandparents and my father.   :/

Then there's my mom.  My mom has 1,573 subjects that Thou Must Never Talk About.  Talking about how perfect she is will always be allowed, but anything that alludes to any possible mistake she ever made in her life Must Never Be Talked About.  Despite multiple attempts, I know very, very little about her life.  I do know that her mother died when my mom was in her early 20s, and that royally screwed her up affected her. Her mother wasn't a very nice person in general, according to my mom's sister.  On her deathbed my mother's mother was very cruel to her (again, I learned that from my aunt), and I don't think she has ever let any of that go.  I don't know much of my mother's dating life either.  She has said she didn't date in high school.  She mentioned a guy in college.  I asked about him and what happened with them, and I was told it was too complicated.  Because, yes, relationships between 18-20 year olds are incredibly complicated, and they are a lot like the Reagan/Gorbachev government relations negotiations.  Get real, she just doesn't want to talk about it!  I've run into all sorts of roadblocks with her.  And you can't even bring up my dad's name without starting an argument.  Again, I don't know much; what I know I got from my aunt (mom's sister) and a little bit about my mom and dad's relationship from my uncle (dad's brother). 

I find it weird that I know almost nothing about my genetic family, but I know a huge amount about my husband's family.  Scratch that, I know even more about my friends' families than I know about my own family.  Sometimes I think I learn more about strangers' families than I know about my own.  It truly is pathetic.  Maybe that's why I'm so interested in everyone else's lives - to make up some void in my own life. 

One of my resolutions to myself is to share as much about my life with Julia as possible (of course within age-appropriate parameters).  I want her to know me.  I want her to know how I got to where I am, the problems I encountered, the mistakes I made, my unique path.  Sure, I made some huge mistakes along the way and lots of smaller ones.  A couple of mega awful ones.  I can look back and acknowledge the bad, but in the bad there are small kernels of good as well.  Maybe my intentions weren't the most honorable in certain situations, maybe my actions weren't the most honorable in certain situations, but I learned.  As awful as things felt at the time, what I can be most proud of is that I didn't keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.  Yeah, I screwed up (and still screw up) ALL THE TIME.  But each time I screw up in a slightly different way, so I suppose in a weird way that might be progress.  Or a horrendous amount of epic fails in every area of my life. :P  I'm trying to look at it as lots of life experiences though.  See, whenever anyone tells me that I'm a pessimist, I can show them this post as a one-time glimmer of optimism.  :)

I want to convey in my blog when taken in aggregate (not necessarily every single post) that I struggle with things: self-image, anxiety, remorse and forgiveness, societal pressures, family crap, the kind of parent I want to be, the kind of person I want to be.  I don't want those topics to unnecessarily weigh down the mood of this blog, but I do think I need to address them and continually work on them and/or keep them in the forefront of my mind.  On my other blog, I did go into things deeper for the few years I was there, but I doubt I will be able to do that as much here.  Just know that I am trying, and this (blog / life) is a learning process.