Exes and Commonalities

Setting this post to during the day, just to keep people on their toes...

My darling husband has a group of friends from college that he keeps in contact with.  When we first started going out, back in the dark ages, it felt like they had SO much history.  And it took a while for me to understand their whole social group dynamic.  Because, as social groups go, there was lots of "he hooked up with her but he's now married to her," and she hooked up with him but she doesn't want the rest of us to know, and there is a perpetual joke about pastel M&M's being the only refreshment at a wedding they were all attendants in.   He's not that much older than me, but there were at least 2 separate failed marriages within the group by the time I was introduced, and that was 1997-98.

And my husband partook in all these adventures as well; he dated two of these ladies in that social group before me.  So it's not like he's innocent in all this.  He will admit, as will I, that his personal way to a relationship is usually friends first. So why not first look to the group of people you already hang around with as potential relationship partners?

His first girlfriend is lovely.  And soooooo not like me, and both one reader and my husband can attest to this.  I would love to have more of her qualities because she's very bohemian and such a free spirit and just rolls with things.  Those qualities are awesome.  I can see why my husband appreciates those aspects of her, but on the other hand he got a tad frustrated with her struggle to get everyday things done in a timely fashion.  As a friend, though, she's awesome.  It helps greatly that in a friendship (versus a relationship) you don't have to worry if the bills have been paid or if the dishes have been washed this month.  She and he still have a friendship, and they keep in touch frequently, and they both share a passion for writing and reading science fiction and fantasy and art.  Again, I adore her.   

His second girlfriend isn't as redeeming.  Isn't that a nice way to put it?  I really never knew her personally, only through stories from S and first girlfriend and S's mother, so I can't say a whole lot there.  They did date for 2 years though.  Outside of a very small exchange* with her, I really only saw her one time.  That would be at first girlfriend's baby shower.  See, I told you I like his first girlfriend.  I'm there at her baby shower, and this girl is sitting at the table I'm at with Other Friend I know through S.  I'm talking with Other Friend, catching up, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking that the person I'm sitting next to looks awfully familiar.  Must be someone I saw at college.  Other Friend then starts asking about S, so I'm spouting off about what he's been up to.  After a few minutes, the person I recognize vaguely gets up to get some food.  I then take that opportunity to ask Other Friend who that was, and I find out it was second girlfriend.  Oh freaking great, if she didn't already know who I was before she sat down, she certainly knew who I was now.  And I just (unintentionally) shoved that in her face.  Dang, Other Friend, why did you have to ask in front of her?  It could have been that Other Friend didn't like her and was doing it intentionally, or Other Person could just be clueless. Second girlfriend kept looking at me the rest of the time, but she never said anything to me.

And I still keep in contact with an old boyfriend.  Just like me compared to S's exes, my old boyfriend that I keep in contact with is extremely different from S.  He's a wonderful friend, he's the sort of friend that you KNOW will be there 30 years down the road and will drop anything for you across time and place.  He's a hard guy to get know on the surface, but once you've gotten past that, you're golden forever.  But just like S's first girlfriend, being in a relationship with him is completely horrendous as the day-to-day part goes.  I still love him, but don't ever make me live with him.  Not that he's messy, he's just really, really, really, really quirky. 

What's kind of humorous about both of these is that I know someone who is a sort-of member of S's group from college AND who is friends with my ex-boyfriend.  I'm not really friends with her because I cannot follow a darn thing she says (they're English words she speaks, but how they are put together puzzles me).  But I run across her all the time because she's a relatively active member in both social circles.  This whole post was prompted because she posted after me on something, and I was reminded of her being that common link in all of our post-relationship friendship oddities.



*  Me:  "Is S there?"
Her: "Who is this?"
Me: Say my name
Her:  "Oh, it's .... YOU."**


**  Not that I really blame her for that response given the end result***.

*** Is it my fault that he talked about me with her?   And I was calling him about a work shift switch when I did call, it's not like I was just calling him to chat while he was dating her.