Wanting to feel something

Frustrated and unfocused.  Why?  I have no idea.  It feels like I'm going through all the motions but not really there or even present.  Do you remember that game that girls used to play on the playground?  I was trying to explain it to my husband.  It was this sadistic game where you gave your forearm to another girl who would pinch and scratch it up to make interesting patterns in red marks as the skin got irritated.  Was I the only masochist in the world who signed up for it?  For some reason, I remember that I donated my arms consistently to the sadistic girls on the playground.  I was happy to donate my arm for the arm-pinching cause. . . maybe I was happy just to feel something, even if it was pain.  I was never into self-afflicted pain though.  It had to be done to me, and boys never really understood the girl arm-pinching thing that happened under the guise of...heck if I knew what it was under the guise of.  All of this to say that some days I wonder where there's a sadistic girl when you need a good arm pinch.  If you go up to a 300 pound guy and tell him to pinch your arm, it will be the most pathetic pinch you will ever get.  Ask a fourth grade girl on the playground, and she will likely draw blood.

This Japan tragedy is so awful.  It feels like I've just been there.  No, I haven't physically been, but my husband and I just completed a video game set in Japan.  We stayed at a ryokan, made bento boxes, rode the train around the city, played rentograms, did origami, and learned a bit about Japanese history.  It was awesome.  Back in business school, I loved learning about Japanese culture.  In many ways, I fit right in.  I try to have a great work ethic.  I also do a lot of non-verbal communication like the Japanese.  I nod my head if I understand you and can see where you're coming from.  People (Americans) think that means I agree with them.  Not necessarily.  My nodding just means I understand your point.  Whether I agree with you or not is a completely different story.  The only thing that kind of turns me off from Japan culturally is their food.  I like rice, I like teriyaki, I like a bit of fish, but that's about it.  If I lived there, I'd just be eating produce, rice, and fish.  That kind of would work because I'd lose a ton o' weight.  Anyway, the tragedy in Japan is so, so sad.  It would be sad if it happened anywhere, but I suppose I feel more of a connection to Japan than, say, Honduras.

I've been feeling incredibly tired.  It's actually been 5 years or longer that I've felt this way.  Two years ago I went to the doctor and got that full blood panel done, and I'm so vitamin deficient.  The sentiment back then is that with all of my gluten and dairy intolerances my body can't absorb the vitamins that I actually do eat.   Although I haven't been 100% consistent, I have cut down on gluten and dairy quite a bit.  I exercise at least 5 days a week. And I still feel like crap, always exhausted, and always feel like I need an infusion of something to get me going again.  In the back, and sometimes the side, of my mind, I think something could be really, really wrong with me.  This would be a time when I wish I could switch bodies with someone else just to see if everyone copes with the endless exhaustion and feeling like crap, or maybe it is really just me. 

Then I visit the doctor in my head.  It's easier to go to the doctor in my head than in person because there is no waiting and copays in my head. 

Doctor: "Lose 10 pounds and you'll feel better."
Me: "But I exercise and try to stay under 1,500 calories a day."
Doctor: "Do a better job of it." 

Then I visit the naturopath in my head.

Naturopath: "You cannot eat a speck of gluten or dairy for 6 months to clean out your system.  You need to take a multivitamin.  You need to eat protein with each meal. You need to take extra vitamin D. You need to take fish oil. When you do all that for 6 months consistently, we'll retake your bloodwork."
Me: "No ice cream or pizza or cookies for 6 months?  And how much protein can a girl really eat without wanting to vomit, especially since I can't count cheese as a protein?"
Naturopath: "Pick ice cream over your health and well-being and you'll have to deal with the consequences."

See, I just saved myself $40 in copays.  And I'm back to the same dilemma I've had for two years.  Will cutting out gluten and dairy in their entirety really affect my well-being that much?  Or should I side with the medical doctor who says that losing 10 pounds is going to change my freaking life?  For what it's worth, the medical doctor also says I need to eat more protein and take a ton of vitamin supplements just like the naturopath.

Bah.