The Power of Saying No

Like most people, I am not fond of being told no.  As I have a huge fear of rejection, I do try to make appropriate, rational requests with plenty of notice so as to minimize the chance of being told no.   I still have to deal with the ramifications with being told no because some people have the audacity (!) to tell me no once in a while.  And most of the time I deal with it okay.  I might be aggravated for a few days, but life goes on, right?

While I may or may not have a high bitchy level on this blog, I do tend to be less bitchy in person.  I do try to be a relatively decent person.  I don't always achieve it.  I haven't some, ummm, moments.  Maybe more than some.  At my core I am a people pleaser.  I want to do the right thing (though I may not always do the right thing). I will go out of my way to help people in a tangible way (listen to them, give them retirement planning or financial advice, etc.).  I want to say "yes" to any request if at all possible. My work is in a service area with a multitude of "clients," and I try to complete things in a timely fashion and in a pleasant way.  Even with guys, I was always worried about hurting his feelings, so I went out on semi-dates with guys I wasn't very interested in because I didn't know how to say no without feeling like I was rejecting them.  With time and experience I'm getting better at extricating myself from situations where toxic people find my weak spot and exploit it.

I know this person who does NOT deal with no well.  I don't think this person has ever been told a "no" that stays a "no."  Because when the person is told no, the person will wear down the person who said no by constantly being in their face.  I've seen it many, many times.  And I know what everyone's reaction is to this (because it's mine too): I will do whatever it takes to SHUT YOU UP and get you out of my face.  The person knows this strategy works, and of course what results is the person always gets what the person wants by whining/complaining/interrogating/being a pain in the ass.

After dealing with this person for years, I vacillate between doing whatever will shut the person up all the way to being adamant on my "no" just to be the one person who will stand up for themselves when confronting the person.  Of course it takes a huge amount of emotional energy to make such a statement because the person then instantly goes into whine/complain/interrogate mode.  I then just want the person out of my sight, and the only way for that to happen is to acquiesce.  It is my natural mode because I want minimal conflict. I want to just say "yes," and I want the person to shut up.

But occasionally I just have to make a point and not give in.  Of course while it's happening, I completely understand I'm doing something idiotic on some stupid principle such as making the person learn how to deal with being told no.  Is it my place?  No.  After all, if the person hasn't learned it by now, it's unlikely the person will ever learn.  It's not like it's my kid, so it's not even a teachable moment.  It's really just me being bitchy and taking a stand to take a stand.  But I gotta say that it feels good to take that stand.