Friday, April 17, 2015

On Marriage

Now that my friend is married and has driven off into the sunset (or Oregon), I have slightly recovered from the whole bridesmaid experience and have had some time to reflect on marriage.

I didn't want to get married when I was little. I envisioned a life of work, a few girlfriends and dating. Perpetual dating -- with a new guy every few months. And then I got married when I just turned 22, go figure.

Marriage is one of those common words that we use for something so universally different. My marriage with my husband is completely different than it would be with anyone else. His marriage with me is different than it would be with anyone else. "Marriage" sounds like it's in this exclusive club, which it isn't. I think "marriage" can be synonymous for any long-term relationship.

I didn't have any words of advice for the bride. I've been married for 15 years, and I couldn't come up with anything. How can I give her words of advice when she's in a unique relationship? Although hers is more complicated because he has two children from a prior marriage. There are things she will have to navigate that are legitimately more difficult. I'm not sure she has really wrapped her head around the concept that she's a stepmother to these kids, and that will truly be a learning experience. Parenthood is complicated enough without being dropped in the middle of it when the kids are already in grade school.


jojo cucina cucina said...

Stepmother to how many kids???? OOOH. i hope they have talked about that a lot!

I hate going to showers when they ask you to give advice to the new bride or the new mother. Everyone is different and i am not sure it works for everyone. My stock advice is to make sure you are still your own person outside of your spouse. Don't make their opinions your opinions if they really aren't. Don't let your spouse influence your politics if you feel strongly one way. Do go out and do things on your own with girlfriends. Don't let the stuff that bugs you turn you into a nag, communicate that early on and find a solution.

I have been divorced twice before i married Brian at the age of 44. I think we're in for the long haul until we die, i really do. I remember my second ex-husband once said to me "Why does everything have to be 50-50 with you?" I was incredulous when he said that, he was not kidding. When people ask me about why we divorced i don't even tell them about the drugs, i just retell that story of what he said. To me that explains it all.

jojo cucina cucina said...

By the way Bethany. You did look beautiful in that dress. I love your hair too. You looked different to me. Maybe it was the eye make up? Anyway i notice you have that afflication that many do. You don't know how to accept a compliment because you don't believe it. But it's true so just remember to say Thank You for that nice compliment! Because they really do mean it. You looked great!

Believe it.

B said...

You have advice! Should have figured you would have stock advice. That sucks about your ex; sounds like he was a lot of drama. You learned from the experience, and that's what counts.

Thank you for the compliment. No, I don't believe it. But thank you :)